Break
by thecosmicwind
Summary: The Heart of SVU has been strong for a long time. The armor has taken hit after hit. But there's only so many hits the armor can take before the heart begins to crack under pressure. Rated T.


**Hey guys. This is just a little one shot I put together. There's only so much a person can take before they break, and it seems that the Heart of SVU may have reached her final straw.**

 **Enjoy xoxo**

* * *

 **Break [OneShot]**

 _ **6:30am**_

The white numbers on her phone scream at her, taunting her, reminding her that it's time to move and start another day. It's Friday morning; the weekend is a mere eight hours away. Yet on the flip side, she knows she won't really have a proper weekend where nothing bothers her. In between spending time at the park and the mall and the movie theaters, the rough cases lately would still plague her mind. The Conways, little Gabriela, the Incel thing, that cult group, Sophie. All of it was plaguing her mind and dragging her down. The paperwork was finished, and the cases were closed, and victims were on their paths to healing.

But for the detectives of the unit that worked, and especially for their lieutenant, every case was taking its toll more and more every single day.

Twenty years in this unit and it never got any easier. She knew why people only lasted a maximum of three years in this unit. She had talked to former detectives of the Special Victims Unit and they all said the same thing; _'nobody sees what we see'_. It wasn't a lie; nobody saw what they saw - the pain and terror in the eyes of living victims, the eyes of a child with no soul due to their innocence being lost at the hands of a perpetrator. They were up to their heads in the most heinous crimes, seeing the most gruesome things, hearing the vilest stories. The screams and cries of victims echoed in their heads, horrid images plagued them and shaped the nightmares they had.

So many times over the years, she had thought about going to Homicide. Somewhere where the victims didn't talk back, where she couldn't see the pain in their eyes. Homicide was a pretty solid, open and shut. _'The dead can't talk back'_ is what Munch once told her all those years ago when she asked how he coped for so long in Baltimore Homicide division. She had told him a few times about her thoughts about transferring, yet she knew there was no way. She would never walk away. She had come into Special Victims to make sense of how she came to be, to right the wrongs of her past so nobody would have to suffer the way her mother did, or the way she did. This unit was her life; it was in her blood.

' _Olivia is the heart of SVU'_ Munch said that at his retirement dinner; it seemed truer now than it did then. Now she really was the heart of SVU. She was _'Lieutenant'_ , she kept it running. Her name was on the paperwork for this unit at One Police Plaza. This unit was her responsibility.

It was just too much now and now, little pieces of her were fading with every case.

She looked at the time on her phone again; _**'6:35am'**_ She needed to get up for work. The faster she got started with this day, the quicker it could be over.

She glanced to the side of her; the strong man was still fast asleep. The strong arm that had been draped across her middle was now draped across his torso and one arm was curled above his head. She sighed then leaned towards him. She placed a light kiss onto his cheek, then finally dragged herself out of bed. She winced as her joints made a popping sound as she moved towards the bathroom; this job was definitely affecting her way more than she wanted to admit.

She stood under the shower head, allowing the hot spray of water to rain down over her body. She washed her hair and rinsed it out, she allowed the water to soothe her and prepare her for whatever she was facing today. She washed with her favorite lavender scented body wash that gave her some sort of comfort. Once she was finished, she shut off the water and wrapped in a towel before making her way across the room to her counter. She took her time as she blow dried her hair and brushed her teeth and moisturized her face. She kept the towel wrapped around her as she emerged from the bathroom and quietly moved through the bedroom, careful not to wake the sleeping man that was in her bed.

She dressed in a pair of black skinny trousers and a blue t-shirt, then pulled on her black boots. She brushed her hair so that it spilled over her shoulders and skimmed the top of her back and slipped on a pair of earrings as well as a necklace. She then clipped her badge and gun to her belt and grabbed her blazer. She scanned her appearance in the mirror and sighed to herself; it was time for yet another day.

She pressed a light kiss to the lips of her fiancé then made her way out of the room. She poked her head into the space themed room, smiling at the sight of her curly haired six-year-old son. He was fast asleep without a care in the world, cuddling his elephant toy and curled up under his blankets. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, whispering that she loved him and that she'd see him later before making her way out of the room. She then turned her attention on the other room a few feet away - the soccer and Star Wars themed bedroom. Her blonde haired, ten-year-old stepson was still asleep as well. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, whispering that she loved him as well. She wouldn't see him later though, as he was going out to his mother's house in Queens for the weekend as it was her weekend to have him. She wished she didn't have to go to work today. It was a school holiday which meant the boys would be at home, and she wanted to stay with them.

She sighed to herself and moved through the spacious apartment. She packed her files into her bag and grabbed her keys and glasses, before she then made her way out of the apartment.

 _ **7:25am**_. She was heading to work.

Another day of living victims. Another day where part of her spirit would be taken.

* * *

 _ **9:34am**_

There was a young girl named Ella Marsh sobbing in her arms as they sat side by side on a trauma bed in the emergency room. She was a victim and had just relived the torture she experienced at the hands of her stepfather, a fellow police officer. Olivia hated the fact that she knew the prick as she had, had a run in with him years ago. She hated the fact that he was a cop that probably knew the law and would know the tactics used to interrogate.

She hated that she would probably be now dealing with IAB and Chief Dodds breathing her neck.

But she would do anything for justice for this girl.

The injuries were nothing like she'd ever seen. Pliers marks, knife cuts, burns, bruises, needle marks, rope burns - all of these marks covered a piece of the body of this fragile girl. The doctors said they had no idea how she was still surviving. Olivia knew though; people do anything to survive when there's something to live for, even if they don't know what that something is. It's how she's survived every ordeal; she knew she had something to live for, even when for a long time, she didn't know what that something was.

"How am I gonna get through this?" The girl whimpered. Her nails sank into the fabric of Olivia's blazer; Olivia ran her hands through the young girl's hair. She saw this mixture of her younger self and of her stepdaughters, and her heart broke a little bit more. She made a mental note to text them all and even her other stepson, just to let them know she loved them.

"We'll get you through this, I promise."

Another promise she was making to a victim. Another day of wondering who or _what_ was gonna get _her_ through this.

* * *

 _ **1:26pm**_

"We'll be right there!"

She sighed and rushed from her office, into squad room; "Shots fired at Officer Andrews residence; a girl has barricaded herself inside and is asking for us."

She and her squad sprang into action; they rushed out of the precinct and down to their squad cars. They sped along the streets until they reached the residence of the officer they had been looking for. They pulled on their bulletproof vests and their jackets before rushing towards the hostage negotiators and other officers. The Sergeant of the responding precinct waved her over and shook her hand as they greeted one another.

"Her name is Ella Marsh; she's asking for you," the Sergeant explained as he led her over to the hostage negotiations area, "We're gonna get her on the phone; maybe you can talk her into letting Andrews go and surrendering."

"So, Andrews is alright?" Fin asked.

"We assume so." The sergeant responded. Olivia looked at his face; he was trying to convince them and himself. She thought back to the hell that Ella had faced at the hands of this man and shuddered to herself. She had a gut feeling; if Andrews wasn't dead already, he was gonna wish he was.

She stepped over to the hostage team and waited until they managed to get a hold of Ella on the phone. She took the phone and her heart broke when she heard the shaking voice of Ella on the other end; _"Olivia, I'm sorry."_

Olivia closed her eyes, trying her hardest to keep the tears at bay. She tried negotiating and telling Ella that everything would be okay, and that she needed to let Officer Andrews go. She could hear the Officer yelling in the background, she heard him baiting Ella, calling her 'crazy' and a 'delusional slut'. Olivia asked to talk to Andrews because she wanted to tell him to stop, she even asked to be put on speaker phone. Ella refused and simply kept crying, telling Olivia that she had to make him stop hurting people. Olivia told her that she was coming inside, and she didn't even bother to wait for a reply. She knew she was putting herself in danger. But then again this was another thing about being so involved with this job. She would do anything to save someone. She was gonna do anything to help Ella.

She rushed towards the house, despite the protests of her squad, and headed straight to the door. She turned the knob and pushed the door open just enough to slip inside. She kept her hands up the whole time as she approached the lounge. Officer Andrews was on the floor groaning in pain with a gunshot wound to the knee, and Ella was crying her eyes out as she stood there, shakily pointing the gun.

Olivia kept her voice calm as she tried to talk to the distraught young woman. She kept trying to talk to her, to plead with her to let the officer go. She tried to tell her that this was not the way to get justice or heal from the trauma. She tried and tried and tried every tactic she had ever used on a victim to help save them, and to stop them from making the biggest mistake of their lives.

But it wasn't enough. It's never enough.

A final taunt from the officer sealed his fate. The shot rang out and Olivia screamed. The bullet whizzed by her and went straight through the heart of the officer, who began to bleed out straight away. Olivia took a few moments to compose herself, then rushed over to check for any signs of life from the man. There was none, and she swallowed. This was not good. Fuck.

Cops swarmed in and apprehend the young woman, whom was sobbing her heart out. Fin rushed in and grabbed hold of Olivia, who was still staring at the lifeless body of the cop. He kept an arm around her as he led her out of the house and over to the EMTs for her to get checked out. She barely comprehended what anyone was saying. All she could see in her head was a distraught Ella, that bastard cop, a gun, then the cop's lifeless body.

Somebody died in front of her. They were shot and killed in front of her. She witnessed death - yet again.

Another nightmare to add to the list. Another piece of her gone. Another step closer to her breaking point.

* * *

 _ **4:30pm**_

"Benson, you're off your game!"

"I'm off my game for believing this girl was tortured and driven to kill that prick," she ran her hands through her hair, fuming as she looked back at Chief Dodds; "Are you just trying to make this go away because the son of a bitch was a cop? Is IAB breathing down your neck?"

"I just think we need all the facts and you're jumping to conclusions!"

"How am I jumping to conclusions when we have all sorts of DNA evidence and when Rollins and Carisi found his torture chamber in his house?!"

Another afternoon, another shouting match in her office with Chief Dodds. He had been breathing down her neck for the last couple years especially, ever since the death of his son which has occurred on her watch, under her command. She knew he always blamed her and that was why he always came down so hard on her, but today of all days was not when she needed this shit.

Their new ADA, Peter Stone, was stood against the wall beside the two-way mirror that peered into the interrogation room. Ella had been interrogated and was now gone to the tombs. Stone wanted to charge her with murder and go for the maximum straight away as the victim was a cop.

The 1-6 was a mess. Olivia was a mess.

She wanted to go home.

"Listen, we can't just ignore the fact that she killed a cop!"

"I'm not saying that we do that," Olivia argued; "Look at what fucking drove her to that point; he tortured and raped her for years until this latest time got too much, then today he was literally taunting her - I heard him, I watched him. She snapped. If anything, this is extreme emotional distress and I say we go easy on her!"

"He was a cop!"

"He was a sadistic son of a bitch that raped and tortured that girl!"

She breathed out, slamming her fist into the desk as she looked at him again;

"You don't trust my judgment now Dodds? Not surprising; you haven't trusted me since your son was killed."

"Out of line, Benson."

"I'm not out of line and you know it," Olivia stepped forward, "You've blamed me since it happened, and you've not trusted my judgment ever since!"

The door to her office opened and she heard Fin's voice; "Liv!"

Olivia breathed out before looking up. Fin stepped into the office, sighing;

"They need us down at the tombs; it's Ella."

The look on his face said it all.

This day really couldn't get any fucking worse.

* * *

 _ **4:45pm**_

Suicide.

A note written in blue ink pen; _'Please tell Olivia that I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like her. I couldn't live with what I did, and I couldn't live with the nightmares of him.'_

She wanted this to be some sort over cover up; maybe someone from the tombs staged this to look like a suicide. She almost prayed for that to be the case. It wasn't. Melinda confirmed that. It wasn't staged. It wasn't some sort of cover up.

Ella had really taken her own life. She had stabbed herself in the neck with the very ink pen she had used to write the note. She bled out quickly; that's what Melinda told them. Olivia just watched as the Medical Examiner and CSU techs worked. Ella's eyes were lifeless, her body pale yet still warm. Blood; there was so much blood.

She had tried so hard to help this girl. She had tried so hard to save her.

Why couldn't she fucking save her?

She looked around. Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt like the walls were closing around her. She could hear Ella's voice in her head, but her voice was jumbled with the voices and screams and cries of countless other victims. Each victim, each case, had slowly taken part of the Lieutenant with them. Each hell-filled incident in her life - Gitano, Harris, Rojas, Sonya's death, Lewis, Utley, Dodds' death, damn Shelia Porter - everything had taken some part of her. With every victim and every personal situation, the armor of the Lieutenant had taken a hit.

But this...this was enough.

She rushed out of the cell and down the hall, ignoring the crude remarks from the prisoners in the cells. She ran outside and went straight to the car, leaning against it and taking a few deep breaths. She closed her eyes; flashes of twenty years of breathing victims and dead victims and screams and cries and blood flashed through her vision. Lewis and Harris flashed through her mind. Her neck being slashed, her creaming for help while being assaulted in a basement, Rojas's blood on her coat, Sonya'a blood on her hands, beating the Beast with a metal rod, Russian roulette, being held hostage by Utley, the gunshot that killed Dodds, her son being kidnapped; it all came back to her and hit her with full force.

And now the death Officer Andrews and the suicide of Ella Marsh only added to the list.

She swallowed. Her eyes burned as they filled with tears. She needed to go home. She couldn't take this anymore.

Another day, another piece of her sacrificed for this job.

' _Nobody sees what we see'_

' _Olivia is the heart of SVU'_

Nobody saw what they saw...what she saw. Sometimes the heart of SVU saw too much, and sometimes the heart needed something else to lean on too.

* * *

 _ **6:00pm**_

The second she crossed the threshold into her apartment and slammed the door behind her, the tears began to fall.

' _You're home now Liv; you can cry.'_

But she didn't want her son to see her cry. She listened. She didn't hear him. Where was he?

"Noah!" She called. Her voice wobbled a bit, but she made her way through the apartment. Her fiancé emerged from the bedroom, smiling at her;

"He's taking a nap; the park tired him out today," his expression faded when he caught sight of the tears in her eyes; "Olivia - what's wrong?"

Her lip trembled, and tears spilled down her cheeks. In the swirls of blue, she saw the thirteen years they spent side by side, steps in sync. She knew he would understand. He always understood her and the way her mind worked.

His eyes flickered. He knew.

He moved behind her and grabbed one of the plates they wouldn't miss before handing it to her. She swallowed before tossing the plate to the ground as hard as she could, watching as it shattered into tiny pieces.

And with the plate, she shattered.

She collapsed into tears and he grabbed her before she could fall to the ground. She gripped onto the material of his shirt, burying her face into the soft cotton as she sobbed and choked out his name; _"Elliot."_

"Shh...I'm here, baby; it's alright...just let it out." He whispered before kissing the crown of her head.

He knew. He knew how hard things were. It was the reason he walked away all those years ago.

But no matter what, she couldn't walk away. All she could do was cry for every fucked up, horrendous thing she had dealt with over the last twenty years in that damn unit.

And so she did. She gripped onto the material of his grey shirt and she did exactly what she needed to do.

She cried.

* * *

 ** _Soo...let me know what you guys think. Until next time my friends xoxo_**


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